Q. My biological brother is 17 years younger than me. My parents always said he was a surprise. He is now 8, and we have a very special relationship. I call him “my little buddy.” I am planning to get married this week and while preparing, he asked if I didn’t love him anymore. He knows that I am planning to change my name after I marry and evidently changing my name in his mind translates into my feelings for him will change. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Although it seems like your question may offer an interesting twist—your brother is reacting rather than your child—it remains that people identify themselves by their labels. Races, religions, genders, generations—any label, either good or bad--all help us to create our identity. Last names are of particular interest to me because of all the research I have done while working with combined families. Having one last name can be a uniting factor even though many times it’s simply not possible.

For example, in my bonus family, I have two biological children with two different last names, neither of which is mine because I go by my maiden name. My bonus daughter who is now married has changed her name to that of her husband. So has my oldest biological daughter. My bonus children’s biological mother also goes by her maiden name. In other words, now that all are adults, the only people who continue to go by the “family” name are my youngest unmarried daughter, my bonus son and his dad.

But, I digress. While the kids were growing up, the fact that my oldest daughter did have a different name than everyone else in the family was a problem for her. Ironically, I hyphenated my last name as many do in an attempt to combine past and present, but it was with my maiden name and my married name and neither last name was hers. She told me many times that she felt like an outsider and didn’t blend in. She even had dark hair, while her siblings (both bio and bonus) had blonde. For a time, she did choose to go by the family name in an attempt to feel more like a member of the club, but that was short-lived.

This is the reason that whenever I am asked if there is one component that can ensure bonus family success, I say acceptance. Acceptance of each family member’s differences and individuality, from their history to their last name, to hair color, to personal preferences, to the talents to which they excel. We do not all have to be the same to be an accepted member of a family. Differences, just like similarities, can be what unites us.

Of course, this is the bonus family philosophy and your brother is your biological sibling. “Brother” is a strong word, and it is a uniting word. In your case, I would focus on “brother” not the new last name by which you will be known. Assure him that he will always be your brother, your “little buddy” and your love for him will never change. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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