Humor
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The Feet Flightmare
About five years ago I started having a problem with airplanes. It wasn't a fear of flying or a fear of the plane food or a fear that the person in front of me would recline so much that I would be forced to look up his nose for the duration of the flight.
No, the problem was my feet.
For some reason, suddenly, my body decided that feet and ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: How to be walked by your dog
I may be barking up the wrong tree, but as a human who has been owned by several canines, I am in a good position — standing, running or being yanked in several directions at once — to pass along my expert tips on walking a dog.
Tip No. 1: You do not walk a dog. The dog walks you.
I have been reintroduced to this pet project since Opal, a ...Read more
Mild to Moderate Medical Conditions for the End Times
In my free time, I've been exclusively watching medical shows and making doctor's appointments. No, this is a blast, I swear.
Have you seen "The Pitt"? Best thing on TV right now. "Dying for Sex"? Heartfelt and hilarious. Are you also mired in a cursed rewatch of Season 6 of "Grey's Anatomy"? I'm so sorry, and we will get through this ...Read more
A Shampoo by Any Other Name
"What's in the bag?" I asked my mother as she got into the car. She had just come out of the hair salon and apparently had been talked into buying some hair products.
"New shampoo," she said with some excitement. "My old shampoo was terrible. It really dried out my hair."
"What brand were you using?" I asked. She thought for a moment. She ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Pillow talk
Everyone knows that heat rises. Everyone also knows that I am full of hot air. Therefore, you could say with scientific certainty that I am an airhead.
But you would be wrong. That’s because, according to a respected sleep specialist, my head doesn’t get sufficient air.
That was the alarming finding in a sleep study I can’t fully ...Read more
Get Ready for a Hot Norovirus Summer
Hey, you look a little listless, wan from the drudgeries of dry land. With temperatures heating up and school sprinting to a close, maybe you're contemplating travel. A cruise?
Picture it: Sunshine, SPF, tropical bevvies, over-the-counter antidiarrheal medications, conga lines...
Hmm? Well, my favorite would have to be a classic pina colada....Read more
Playing Chicken With My Dinner
"What do you want for dinner?" I asked my husband.
"How about fish?" he replied.
I shook my head. "I had fish for lunch. How about steak?"
"I'm sick of steak," he said. "How about chicken?"
I nodded. "Chicken it is."
My husband went outside to light the grill while I jumped in the car to go get the food. I had planned to run into the ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Stuck on Post-its
When you get to be my age (old enough to know better), it’s hard to remember things. At least I think so. I can’t remember.
So you’d think modern technology would be helpful, but it isn’t.
There’s artificial intelligence. Let me tell you something: I was born with artificial intelligence. It doesn’t work.
Then there’s the ...Read more
Students Have Been Training for This Their Whole Lives
They were studying for finals and grabbing snacks from the student union on a gossamer spring day. Each flashcard and burrito and blanket on a lawn comprised the unspoken curriculum of life. A crop of new adults becoming who they will be.
And then the thing happened. Let's be honest, the thing they always knew was coming. The thing they've ...Read more
For Whom the Vole Tolls
I saw it out of the corner of my eye as it darted from under the entertainment unit in the family room, around the corner and into the kitchen. Of course, I wasn't really sure if it was anything more than a dust bunny. However, it's pretty unusual to see a dust bunny with a clear agenda, and this one seemed like it definitely had a destination...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Stairway to houseplant heaven
Now that my office has new flooring and is finally so clean that it could win an award from Good Housekeeping, I am turning over a new leaf.
Actually, 17 new leaves, which belong to a houseplant that my wife, Sue, gave to me so I could have someone (or something) to talk to when I am lonely or need inspiration so I can write drivel like this.
...Read more
I Am Your New Dishwasher and I Will Destroy You
Hi, and welcome to your new dishwasher! We hope you enjoy the experience of not quite getting your dishes clean every day for the rest of your life. This manual will take you through some of the finer points of using your exciting appliance.
First, please know that you must load the dishwasher in order for it to work. Stacking rinsed dishes ...Read more
The Online Fashionista
When I used to live in the city, I would use my lunch break from work to shop one-day sample sales. This had the dual advantage of keeping me slim (no lunch) and getting cool clothes at a bargain. Of course, there were no dressing rooms at these things, and I live in fear of the day a hidden-camera tape surfaces on the internet of me ripping ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: The dream team
As a newspaper columnist whose specialty is doing nothing and writing about it, I thought I had a dream job.
Then I met Raminder, a technician whose job was to watch me dream and record what I did in bed — it was nothing to write home about — during a sleep study.
I participated in this diagnostic test, which required me to stay in a ...Read more
Why do we fall for fall?
Yes, it’s that glorious season that so many pumpkin-spice addicts claim to be their favorite. I must admit that, I, too, succumb each year to the autumnal charms of fall, except for my seemingly never-ending battle with leaves, or, as I like to call them – tree dandruff.
So what is it that ironically draws us to a season that marks the ...Read more
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