ArcaMax

Wow, thanks for ordering me. You're going to love... wait.

No, no, no, hold on, please don't peel me off and throw me in the bottom of the Wendy's sack with the bag fries. I promise, I am delicious. I am juicy and sweet, the perfect acidic complement to cut through your sizzled ground beef and melty American cheese. We'll make a beautiful ...Read more

"WAIT!" I yelled as everyone started to dive into their entrees. "Don't eat yet!"

We were at the kind of fancy restaurant where the food isn't just served, it's strategically arranged on the plate and balanced precariously in a tower like a game of Jenga.

My husband stopped with his fork in mid-air and stared.

"Why?" he asked. "Is there ...Read more

Last week, I got a text:

Are you free tomorrow? Come to my house for dinner, and I will make your favorite seafood pasta.

I noticed this text languishing among 24 other unread texts (literally) and thought, who could this be? Who is inviting me over for dinner? And should I go? Maybe it will be fun! I DO like seafood pasta. In fact, I ...Read more

When my hairstylist announced that she was expecting a baby and would be taking a three-month maternity leave, my reaction was like the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief.

First there was denial.

"Are you sure? How many times did you pee on a stick?"

Then there was anger.

"Nooooo! You can't leave me!!!"

Then bargaining.

"Tell you what, ...Read more

Hi, woman here.

Sorry to step out of line, but the men need help. It has been brought to the attention of the Federation of Acting Female Operatives (FAFO) that a quarrel is underway between two of the most powerful men in the nation.

President Donald Trump and his special friend Elon Musk are navigating a conscious uncoupling, spreading ...Read more

My husband and I both got sick at the same time, with the same cold and all the same symptoms. The difference was, I made dinner, went grocery shopping and did the laundry, while he lay on his deathbed hovering between a congested coma and near-certain demise by sniffles. While this vast pendulum swing between my cold and his might confound ...Read more

My family came to visit me in Florida recently. Their sole request was to patronize a Tijuana Flats since they don't have one at home in Ohio. No problem! I can put down some tacos and am an enthusiastic T-Flats connoisseur. In fact, the chain is home to my favorite sugary-garlicky-spicy sauce, an all-purpose accoutrement I keep in my fridge. ...Read more

"Can you tell me what comes with the garlic chicken?" my husband asked our server.

"I can tell you," I said. "Bad breath."

My husband rolled his eyes at me. We were out to dinner at our usual place and decided the chef must have come into a surplus of garlic, because everything on the specials menu featured garlic. Good for garlic lovers. ...Read more

You do not want to lose the wrestling fans, OK? Few folks are so passionately clear-eyed about their heroes and foes. Today's wrestling supporters love to marinate in juicy narratives, foretell plot twists with the acuity of Columbo and sniff out bull from miles away. We all need wrestling fans on our proverbial teams.

And yet, when Florida ...Read more

It sounded like a pop, followed by the sound of whooshing air, and then a flap-flapping noise. I knew immediately what it was.

"What's that, Mom?" asked my daughter, looking around the inside of the car for the source of the sound.

"I'm pretty sure that is one of our tires, and it's on its way to being flat," I replied.

I'd barely gotten ...Read more

Storm riders, it's time to begin all rituals that induce good fortune. Knock on wood, harness the energy of the moon and wear the same socks each time a red cyclone appears on a radar.

Those of us in the crosshairs of hurricanes pray to be spared every year, of course. But in 2025, hurricane season takes on a decisive aura of finger-crossing....Read more

I'm not a french fry snob. I'll pretty much eat any kind of french fry, whether it's shoestring, waffle or curly; from a fast food restaurant, a steakhouse or my freezer. Given the choice between a baked potato or french fries, I will always choose the fries, thunder thighs be damned.

There is, in fact, only one thing that stands between me ...Read more

Although some people are uncomfortable going out to a restaurant by themselves, I am perfectly fine with dining alone. Honestly, with the level of pandemonium we used to have in our house, I was always happy to have a quiet meal by myself every once in a while. I don't ask myself to get up and get some more water, I don't typically spill food ...Read more

I say this as the biggest procrastinator in the world, a habitual April 14 taxpayer, someone who thinks 10 minutes late is actually on time: Why don't some of you have your Real IDs yet? Rather, how?

Again, I say this with love and Type B fascination. I say this as someone who once looked down at her license in the Boston airport and said, "...Read more