Let's Stop Asking 'why Aren't You Drinking?'
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one handle being offered alcohol when you choose not to drink?
I got a DUI 2 years ago, and I will NEVER drink and drive ever again. I've been in numerous situations where I've declined a kind offer of a drink, but have been pestered as to why.
Out for a happy hour with co-workers, I will just drink water, but I often get asked, "So, why aren't you drinking?" Initially I just shrugged it off, but after a while, I had to make up an excuse, so I lied that it would interfere with my medication. Oops -- now I'm asked what kind of meds I'm on!
With extended family, I get the same inquiry. I just make up some excuse: I don't feel like it, I have a hangover, I'm going out tomorrow, whatever.
I won't even have one drink -- and have found it quite rude of people to question why. There are so many potential reasons why people choose not to drink! I feel like I have to explain myself, and I am sick of it. How do I properly address this issue?
GENTLE READER: Not by explaining yourself -- nor by making up excuses. The question is not only intrusive but silly, as it presumes that alcohol is such a staple of life that a special exemption is needed.
But as you keep socializing with people who believe otherwise, Miss Manners suggests that you treat this as the opening of a two-sided conversation. It is always tactful to show an interest in the other person. So you could say, with a pleasant show of interest, "What about you? Tell me -- why do you drink?"
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if it's proper for one person to hand another person a birthday card/Christmas card personally -- not one attached to a gift. It seems to me that a card should be sent in the mail.
I'm a hairdresser, and it surprises me how often a client will hand me a birthday or Christmas card. These cards do not include money, but are just "good wishes."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and almost seems that I'm not worth a stamp. Could you please tell me if this is proper and in good taste? Has it always been?
GENTLE READER: Always? How far back do you want to go? It was once considered better to have mail delivered by hand, from your footman, than to use the postal service.
But Miss Manners would not exactly call it more proper or in better taste, because it used the same crass standard that you do: How much did the sender spend to get it to you? And maintaining a footman cost considerably more than a stamp.
Isn't that a mean way to judge good wishes? But even if you do, surely a personal delivery is worth more than a stamp -- or a footman.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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