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Kindness Taken for Granted

Annie Lane on

Dear Annie: I have recently gone through a friend breakup with a friend we will call "Elizabeth." When I first met Elizabeth, she was pregnant with her first child. After about a year, we became very close friends, and she had a second child. After the second child was born, I offered to go to Elizabeth's house once a week to play with the children for a couple hours to give her a break.

Although I initially volunteered to help her out, I was quickly expected to help anytime Elizabeth and her husband needed child care. For about the first three years of her youngest's life, I was there anytime they needed me. Recently, we had a disagreement, and Elizabeth told me that I need to understand that the whole world doesn't revolve around me. I found that incredibly insulting considering I have done so much for them. Should I try to make amends, or is it time to let go of this friendship? -- Friend Turned Nanny

Dear Friend Turned Nanny: Her comment was insensitive for sure, but people often say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment. Was this an isolated incident, or does she have a pattern of saying careless and insulting things?

If it's the former, I would tell her how much her words hurt your feelings so you can squash the resentment and hopefully move on. But if this is par for the course, then it might be time to reevaluate whether you're getting as much from this friendship as you're putting in.

Dear Annie: I've been at my job for a little over a year now, and overall, I enjoy the work and my team. But I'm struggling with how to handle a co-worker we'll call "Matt." Matt constantly interrupts people during meetings, restates others' ideas as if they're his own and has a way of dominating every conversation. It's not just annoying; it's starting to affect group morale.

A few of us have tried gently pushing back when he talks over us, but it doesn't seem to register. He's also very quick to get defensive, which makes any direct confrontation feel like a risk. I've spoken to my supervisor once, who acknowledged it was a pattern but didn't take any clear action.

 

I don't want to be the office complainer, but I also don't want to keep working in a space where one person dominates everything. How do I address this without making things worse or putting a target on my back? -- Tired of Being Talked Over

Dear Tired: Since you've already tried direct confrontation, subtle social cues and even bringing in the higher-ups, your best bet is to avoid working with him as much as possible. It's not a perfect solution, but, in the absence of hunting for a new job, it's one of the only ones you have left.

If that's simply not an option, then follow up with your supervisor, this time with concrete examples of how Matt's behavior is impacting the team. Hopefully a thoughtful and respectful reminder will be enough for management to take some action.

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Annie Lane's second anthology -- "How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.


 

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